TO FRIENDSHIP AND MORE

'Love is nothing but friendship set on fire'


 The phone kept vibrating but he didn't bother to pick it up, he let it vibrate, he was too sleepy. Finally after ten minutes when he couldn't take it anymore he opened his one eye and checked the time, it was 3 am and then he saw the name. It was her, a smile came on his face automatically.

 'hello' he said in a coarse voice
'he is coming, he is coming tomorrow, he is coming' she was shouting on the phone

He woke up with a jerk and then realized what she was saying

 'who is coming?' he asked
 'you know, my boyfriend' she said
'oh really? that is an awesome news. What time is he coming?' he asked happily
 'He is landing around 8 in the evening, you are driving me to the airport' she ordered
 'yes of course I am taking you, I am so happy for you. Finally after two years he is coming' he said
 'yes I know. ok! sorry I woke you up but I was so excited. We'll meet in the evening, we will eat something and then go to the airport' she said
 'yes ok done' he said and then they both hung up

 He couldn't sleep that night. He had just met her an year ago and she had become his bestest friend, the things he couldn't share with anyone, he told it to her. She was the sweetest person and he cared too much for her. He had heard plenty of stories from her about the boyfriend but he had not come to India in 2 years as he was out for some work. And now after 2 years finally he was arriving back and he knew how happy she would be. He cared for her so much that he always told her that the day he came back, he would be so happy for her because he knew how much she loved him. They both had been inseparable in that one year and they had discovered a new meaning of friendship. He had been there for her whenever she needed him and she had been there for him without asking.

 The next evening he picked her up from the metro station, it was a typical winter evening with the sun almost about to set and the street lights lighting up the flyovers and the roads of the city. Today she felt happy, she felt there was magic in the air. They both got down near a restaurant and were walking when he saw the her face all lit up and that smile, that did't leave her face. She looked at him, he looked different today, there was confusion in his eyes yet his smile didn't leave his face, his hand felt awfully warm and secure today and there was a different feeling in her heart. She was happy that she was finally going to meet him but also somewhere her eyes didn't leave her best friend's face.

 They both ordered some food and then sat down
 'you look so tired' he said and started laughing
 'yes I couldn't sleep the entire night, I was so excited. But I look fine right?' she asked panicking
 'you look pretty, don't worry' he said and smiled reassuringly

 She looked at his smile, there was something missing in that today, the smile also looked confusing today. After they ate, they got into the car and were on their way to the airport. There was too much silence in the car, she kept looking outside the window, her heart beating faster every second and she frantically kept checking the watch. He kept looking at her being so fidgety and smiled, she was nervous he could sense and then he felt a feeling that he had never felt with her, he felt a feeling of jealousy, he couldn't understand whether it was envy he felt or something else. He was fighting in his head, how could he be envy? he was not in love with her and he always told her that, he was her friend but then why was this?! this! taking her to him...making him feel weird.

 They reached the airport and there was lot of traffic at the entrance, she looked at him with a doubtful smile and asked
 'Do I look ok?' 'yes, you look very pretty, don't worry' he said and smiled
 She sat there with her face showing all signs of nervousness, her hands clasped kept on her thighs and she was breathing heavily. He kept staring at her like if he even blinked she would vanish. Why was he thinking like that?!

 'you know I am so nervous, but I know all this will go once I see him' she said
 He nodded and then gave her a hug

 She felt nice after the hug, his hug was always so warm, that it made her feel confident, it made her feel that nothing could go wrong in the world.
 'thank you' she murmured without looking at him
 They parked their car and were standing at the arrival entrance. She was holding his hand throughout, she didn't feel like letting go, she was that nervous.

 'Don't worry, you are looking very pretty' he said and smiled

 She looked at him smiling, she smiled back too and she kept staring in his eyes, there was something she read in them, she couldn't understand what it was but there was something in his eyes. In that moment, she tore away her glance from him and looked at the entrance and there he was, her boyfriend walking outside and he had spotted her and he had the biggest smile on his face on seeing her. Her best friend let go of her hand and then she ran towards her boyfriend, she gave him a tight hug and just stood there with him looking at him smiling.

 He saw her running towards her boyfriend, in that moment he felt something breaking inside him, if he could he wouldn't have let go of her hand, he would have just stood there staring in her eyes holding her hand. As soon as he looked at her turning in his direction, he turned to face the other side and a tear drop escaped his eye, he was so happy for her but also somewhere he was sad. He was going through an emotion he had never felt. She brought so much happiness to him and now she was smiling looking at someone else. She turned to spot him, but he had vanished somewhere in the crowd. She saw her hand in her boyfriend's hand and felt strange, that touch was unfamiliar, it was not warm, it was not secure. Her eyes looked everywhere for him but he was gone, she turned too late.

FIX YOU

'He thinks I have loved too much and lost everything, He thinks I have gained just stories to tell and lost my touch with reality and what am I supposed to tell him? Am I supposed to tell him he is right? or Do I just sit and stare silently?'

Ropes of misery
tying me down
Someone open them please
Or in this sea of love
I might just drown

what I can't do
I can't even say it anymore
I don't know how I feel
Then why do you ask questions?
But somewhere I believe
We both seek the same answers

Someone inside me is screaming
Everyone around me has gone deaf
They are happy, they are beaming
Then why do I feel so out of place?
Then why do I feel so alone?

I am losing you, I am losing myself
I want you to walk away
I want myself to finally breathe
I want to go back home

These words that I write
Don't make sense anymore
Every word has a meaning
But suddenly they all seem daunting

There is more confusion than pain
This dark lit path
Never seems to end
I am trying to find some light
I am trying to find some hope

Nothing is forever
Everyone comes and leaves
Then why do you say you'll stay?
Then why do you want to stay?
This love had no future
But memories I hold are not in vain

I will resolve all this haziness
I will find a solution for us
I will make it easy for you
I will help you in finding the
Happiness you deserve
I will fix you...

THE PRINCE'S TALE- ALWAYS

'to love is to be patient'


Professor Severus Snape: misjudged, misinterpreted.

Harry potter had just stepped into the great castle of Hogwarts, he was unknown to the word ‘Magic’. There he found friends, he found his family. Hogwarts was his only home.

He was destined to fight the darkest wizard of all times, he was destined to defeat him and die. There were so many looking at Harry with a hope, so many protecting him, so many dying to keep him alive, but there was one man who did more than protection, he loved harry in his own way.
As the story of Harry potter begins and Severus Snape sets his eyes on the boy, he cannot stop staring and everyone thinks he hates the boy, he is evil. But the famous potions master of Hogwarts had more to him than just hatred, over the 6 books, Snape shows his own shades and somehow he is always there to protect harry without making it obvious. Harry’s first Quidditch match, Snape was protecting him, Snape protected him from the dementors, Snape protected him from Voldermort and he loved Harry in his own way.

The biggest twist in the entire series is probably the ‘Prince’s tale’, when all the cards are finally opened, when the truth is finally told to Harry, not only him but all of us get to know the real Severus Snape, a man who didn’t question but just loved. From the moment he had set his eyes on Lily, he was in love with her, she was his only friend, even when she married James, Severus was there loving her. He pleaded Dumbledore to save her, to keep her safe and in return was ready to do anything. The only reason he became an ally to Dumbledore’s army was because of his immense love for Lily.

When Snape is dying and he looks at Harry and says ‘you have your mother’s eyes’ one cannot stop themselves from getting teary eyed. When Harry goes back in his memories, he realizes who he really was, he was a man with so much love and hurt at the same time, he was a man who protected him the most, he was a man with so much courage that he died for love. When Snape hugs Lily and cries his heart out one can understand the torment and suffering of the man who still loved her so much, so much that he was ready to protect her only son with all the strength he had. From the evil headmaster his character takes a turn and becomes the most intense character in the book. He becomes more than just Severus Snape trying to bring down Harry Potter.

19 years later, Harry Potter while leaving his son to embark on the same journey which he had started when he was 11, told him ‘Albus Severus Potter, you have been named after two headmasters of Hogwarts and one of them was the bravest man I ever knew’ and he was right when he said that Severus Snape, was indeed the bravest man anyone ever knew.

Professor Severus Snape didn’t die in vain, he died for love and to die for love is the best way to go.

DREAMS

'she closed her eyes to see his face all she could see was his shadow and nothing more'

‘Dreams’- a word with so many interpretations, with so many directions. Dreams can be the one seen while sleeping and dreams can be the one aspired to be achieved. A word is just a word; the meaning of that word makes it beautiful. The meaning of the word dreams makes it lively, makes it so extraordinary, it’s not just a word, it’s an experience worth risking and then the question comes up how far are you going to stretch yourself to live that dream?

The most common conflict within a person is to choose between their dream and love and then the question of love comes up. What do you actually mean by love? Everyone has their own subjective interpretation of this word, the word is just the same, the meaning differs from person to person and it’s the meaning that changes the whole perception of a word. When you have too many options, it is hard to choose, but when the choice is between living your dream and having the one you love, the mind and heart are in a constant fight. Alone with love one cannot be happy and alone with dreams one cannot be satisfied. If the dream is not shared with someone you love, that dream is not worth living. The best dreams are lived when that someone special is right beside you holding your hand and is happy for you.

Are dreams worth fighting for? If we didn’t have dreams we would not have goals and we would never move forward, we would be stuck in a non traffic zone constant and confused. Even in our worst of times, dreams are capable of getting a smile on our face, so maybe dreams are worth fighting for ,Would you give up everything to live that dream? Then would that dream be worth living for? When everything in life is utterly wrong and sad we feel we don’t have anything worth living for but that happens when a dream shatters, when it’s broken beyond repair we give up, we forget that if one dream breaks the other one can be made, that is the beauty of dreams. They are never constant and they never let us are constant, they keep us moving, pushing us to our maximum limits, fighting, arguing, winning and losing.

Dreams do not make us, we make them. Why let a dream overpower us so much that when it breaks it hurts us beyond comparison? Maybe because to achieve that teeny tiny little dream, a mountain worth of effort was put in, but if the effort was good enough then why did it fail? It didn’t, it just made us realize our own mistakes and gave us a chance to correct them. It’s not about having the right dream, the right effort, the right outcome; it’s about taking that leap of faith again and again to dream again and again, to rise above all the failures and to make mistakes again.

‘Dreams are beautiful, they are pretty and they make us who we are’

SONG FOR THE HEART

'Slowly she was giving up, she couldn't get through him, he was in love with someone else and she was trying to make a way in, now she started realizing, it was pointless, as useless as it could be, he was more than a friend but still somewhere just a friend'


Hold on little heart
Don’t stop beating so soon
There is more to life
Than you can imagine
There is a sun that rises
There is a moon that shines

It’s not too late for you
So wake up and breathe again
Let the darkness go away
And light make its way
You can’t grow numb so soon
Feelings are a part of you

Why do you feel so much pain?
Why do you feel so much joy?
Make a new way
Feel something more
Nobody is going away
Nobody is leaving you alone

Hear the words of the brain
It sometimes makes sense
I know you fight with it a lot
But at least it cares enough
To make you find a way

Don’t love so much
Don’t think about breaking down
In my eyes you will live
No matter how much pain
So don’t slow down so soon

Have a little faith in me
Don’t try to express so much
I know you want to let it go
Don’t try so hard to
Try to make a wish
Maybe it might come true

I am talking to you
Trying to keep you awake
Don’t sleep so soon
My dying heart
Open your eyes
You still got so much more

There is a string
Binding you and me
I feel when you feel
I cry when you cry
Don’t worry
You haven’t let me down

I promise not to blame you
I promise to fathom
I promise to just be there
Little heart, I love you
Wake up, wake up to a new sunrise

THE FIRST EMOTION

it's a feeling I want to remember, the first of everything is always memorable

Bright, happy eyes looked at me,
They had a mystery unsolved,
I was hooked,
Your innocence was intriguing

It’s not every day,
That I find a smile so fascinating,
I had found a reason to stay,
I had found a reason to stop and stare

In the midst of the crowd,
It was easy to find you,
And then I wondered,
It could be a trivial possibility of a cue

When you walked,
You made heads turn,
When you smiled,
You made everyone smile

I remember the time,
When I passed you and you turned,
The feeling so sublime,
Something inside me churned

You stood afar,
Glaring at me,
How could my thoughts be not bizarre?
How could I be blithe?

It was a feeling,
I had not felt in so long,
You made me smile,
You kept making me look at you,
Again and again

Perfection was in your eyes,
It made me see dreams once more,
Perfection was in your smile,
It made me believe in life once more

When I first looked at you,
I knew you were here to stay,
My intuition came out to be true,
And you really stayed...

FINDING MYSELF GROWS 1 YR OLD

‘She saw him and every time she did she felt at peace but suddenly her smile had vanished when she looked at him, she was torn between the past, present and future and that when she herself believed that all three are individual time frames, yet she was getting lost keeping them separate’


It’s unbelievable to think that my blog survived for so long, it has been over an year finding myself, now the question for me is have I found myself? Writing keeps me sane; I always believed that, it always calmed me down even in the most panicky situations. When I am anxious I don’t need a friend, I need a pen and a paper.

So when I started this blog, I had a plan and a good one. It was all laid out, chalked out, month by month, year by year. I was going to learn, introspect and keep walking. I had already wasted a lot of time in my life doing unproductive things and now it was time to show some productivity, I was going to find meanings to things, I was going to find meaning to my life and I was going to find myself, the self I was departing from.

It’s stupid to think that plans will always work out, that priorities will never change and it is even more foolish to think that everything will as constant as it is now. It doesn’t take time for things to change, for meanings to change, for me lose my way again.

Things happen, incidents occur, that make you want to live again, make you want to change the course of life again. And so it happened, unexpectedly things changed overnight and by overnight I mean literally ‘overnight’. It took one night for my whole world to turn upside down, for my plans to go back in the trash. It was not something planned and it is never planned.

Serendipity, one would think, but was it really that? Serendipity means when you find something that you were not expecting to find. It’s an accidental discovery, good or bad? Nobody knows. In my case I am still figuring out, I want to stick to good and that is where I stand now.
And then I wondered whether a person is capable of changing the other so drastically? I changed because of someone and I like the change in me. Everyone around me believes that I have changed, I just think I matured. I just think I grew out of the ‘kiddish fantasies’, I just think I started living in reality.

So did I really find myself? In a way I did. The process of finding myself still goes on and it is a never ending process. But I do know from the first post of this blog till the last post, I am not the same person anymore. I have changed and I have found myself in a big way. My perspectives, my opinions, my plans, everything has changed. Now I don’t make big plans, just little ones to get me through every day.

‘Happy anniversary to my blog and I am surprised that I was patient enough to write so much, to put up with it, usually I just give up easily or get bored but I guess change has really set in. For this post and for many more to come’

IT IS SIMPLE, JUST TRY!

‘no thoughts tonight, feeling at peace lately, maybe it’s the silence before a storm, what future holds, I don’t know but the anticipation is somewhat exciting’


She was a pretty face in the crowd; he was just another shy, cute nerd in the making. Whenever he saw her in the corridor, his heartbeat would fasten and he would think about talking to her but he was at the lowest in the social status bar and she was someone everyone was around.
She would look at him and even though she pretended she didn’t notice, in her heart she was smiling. She would meet his engaging grey eyes, prettiest pair of eyes she had ever seen. She would pass him without a prominent glance but in her mind she wanted to look at him once again, take in that last long look but she never dared to.

If they felt then why didn't they say anything? Is social status so important? Are materialistic things so important? Can’t it be simple for once? If that person makes you smile, if that person warms your heart, isn’t that person worth everything? Worth every sacrifice? Worth every compromise? Why is it complicated? Does simple love exist? And then a friend asked me a question ‘the love they show in movies, does it exist?’, for him I answered a yes but it’s a question not worth asking, an answer not worth seeking. Love is vague, it’s different for everyone. For one it is a heart break so major, memories that would haunt him for life and for the other it’s a whiff of fresh air, it’s knowing no matter the hurt or the pain, it’s those little moments that make you smile matter.

BERRY BERRY STRAWBERRY

‘I will wear a red sweater and green cap tomorrow to look like a strawberry; she laughed but didn’t know how to react’

I love strawberries, possibly the only fruit I like so much that I want to have it every day. When my strawberries finish, I feel depressed and unhappy. I miss my strawberries, now that they have finished. If strawberry could be a real human being, I would love him so much. I would not want anything else but just me and my strawberry. So my obsession with strawberries is unknown to people but only a few know. It’s my deep dark secret, it’s my addiction and it’s my indulgence. It’s not any berry, its strawberry, its red and its yummy. :D

LOSS OF WORDS

'He could love someone else, but she would always love him'


You wait for my words
I am afraid to say anything
You look outside, seek help
I just look at you admiringly

Would there be a future for us?
Would we ever cross the line?
Maybe future isn’t for us
Maybe there are no lines

Do you believe in destiny?
Do you hunt for reasons too?
Our destiny is sealed already
Reasons are few

Your smile is deceiving
Your eyes tell me the truth
I can’t figure out the reality
But I want to believe it’s you

It’s me asking questions this time
Can you even hear me?
It’s me waiting for answers
Do you even have any?

Yet here I stand with you
Still feeling the same
Still not expressing
Still hesitant

With you love is not just a word
It’s an emotion
With you holding your hand
Is not just an action
It’s my way of saying, I care

I would bury my feelings
Somewhere deep down
But I would still look into your eyes
And feel so much love

Let me have this feeling forever
Don’t make it vanish
It’s my magical world
Where you and me would never perish

THE EPIC WIN

'Happiness isn't just a word, it's an emotion. Even though I am not a cricket fan, I don't like to watch Cricket matches at all but yesterday was something nobody could miss it for the world, for it was not just a match, it was a battle and a battle well won'


One Wednesday afternoon a nation went silent. Offices, colleges and schools got closed; everybody got glued to their television sets. It hadn’t even started and people were already high on emotions. The anticipation of a miracle, the expectations of a billion people and most of all the pressure and responsibility on those 11 men wearing blue, was this going to be their day? Was India finally going to be in the world cup finals? Nobody knew the answer and then I wondered did they even care? Everyone whom I knew wasn’t even interested in the cup; they just wanted them to win against the Pakistanis, a match so well awaited that even if it was being played in the initial rounds of the world cup it would have the same effect as the final of the world cup.

World cup 2011 of cricket: The best cricket team so far of India and everybody in good form. When India beat Australia, people were celebrating more than that people were waiting for the next match. Indians were to face the Pakistanis, even the non cricket lovers got awaken, not out of love for cricket but for being patriotic. 30th march 2011, a day that will be remembered by everyone, when Indians won the toss and chose to bat, everybody thought it was a good decision, luck was in our favour, maybe we could win this match. Mohali pavilion was jam packed, full of Indians and Pakistanis, ministers, actors, NRI’s had flown in from different states and nations. It was not only time for some cricket, it was time for war, was it really a war? Was it just a game? It was more than that, it was about respect, it was about living upto the hopes of those billion people praying, it was not only about winning, it was about our nation’s pride.

It was a day where cricket was being played between the two rival nations, people cheering in the stands holding banners that talked about friendship with Pakistan, but it was also a day where the prime ministers’ of both the nations would meet after the 26/11 terror attack. ‘Cricket diplomacy’ is the word coined for their meeting, unofficial as they termed the meeting, many issues would have been discussed. A time where one prime minister could take an initiative and start the peace talks again, a time where everybody would be distracted with cricket and they could discuss the fate of those billions.

When the two opening batsmen of India walked into the pavilion with their head held high, bats in their hands, chest pumped up and with only one thing mind, to win today. They walked in and the crowd roared at the top of their voices, one of them was called God and the only hope for India. The start to the game was unexpected, Sehwag thrashing the Pakistani bowlers with fours and Tendulkar being as cautious as he could be. When the first wicket was taken for Sehwag the stadium went quiet, it was too early for him to go, even he knew that but he gave Indians a good start. The match went on, whenever an Indian came on strike, the crowd would cheer loudly, they would roar at the top of their voices, chant their names, they just wanted to see them win. Wicket after wicket, the scenario for Indians had just turned, Pakistanis were too good with the ball and Indian players were baffled, they didn’t have an answer to their attack, they were helpless and tensed. When Yuvraj went on duck, everybody knew the match was going in favour of the Pakistanis, they were happy, they knew they had nailed it, they had made them weak. The scoring of the runs went slow, everybody in the stadium sat holding their breaths, would we make even a 200? Everybody thought, keeping fingers crossed, somehow Tendulkar struggled and steady he managed to make enough runs to let India survive. At the end of the 50 overs with 260 runs first half was over, India somehow struggling, managed to make enough runs for them to chase, Raina the last batsman to play was able to keep India’s hopes still high. He was the last hope for everybody and he somehow managed to prove them right.

The second half of the match started, everybody knew India’s weakness, bowling wasn’t their forte and coordination wasn’t one of their best qualities. But for just one day, for one match could they work as a team? Because even they knew the gravity of the situation, Pakistanis were happy with what they had done, they were relaxed. But then India did show their greatness, the second half of the match became the best part of the match, with bowler after bowler taking wicket after wicket, it was a glorious day. The shouts, the screams, the roars of people in the stadium whenever somebody got out were beyond comparison, that’s how ecstatic everybody was. Yuvraj, was agitated with the way he got out and he took his revenge right, he got 2 wickets. The team coordination, the fielding, the motivation and the determination to win was visible on everyone’s faces. The last over, the second last ball, people already celebrating on the streets, the win, with just one more wicket left, the Indians did not give a chance for all the balls to get finished, for the 50 overs to end, they took the last wicket on the second last ball and ended the match themselves.

There were firecrackers everywhere, people were on the streets celebrating and players were running around with wickets happy. For India, we had already got the cup. This was their epic win and they had done it, they managed to give those billion people a reason to be happy, forgetting their worries they got lost in the celebrations. It had been a good day not only for them but the entire country. For everybody the next morning was going to be a good one, where going to offices, schools and colleges won’t be that painful.

When I went on facebook and read a friend’s status, I instantly liked it; it was an epic status for an epic moment. ‘One nation just had an orgasm’ and indeed it was that happy for them.

In India, cricket is religion and one thing that can bring the entire nation to forget everything and bring everyone together, yesterday was that day.

SOMETHING FOR YOU

the haphazardness of the words explains how haphazard my feelings are

'I feel and that is what I do best'

In my own inhibitions and doubts
I found you
I looked at you and I found hope
My heart wanted to take the leap of faith
My mind reluctant

When I looked in your eyes
I found my happiness
In mine, you found yours
When you smiled at me
My thoughts went incoherent
I fumbled to say the easiest words
When you understood me
Even without me saying anything
I thought I had found a friend

But later I realized
You were more than that,
A friend would never make me blush
A friend would never leave me breathless
A friend would never make my heart skip a beat
The moment I crossed the line
And felt something more for you
I knew there was no turning back

The feeling was so potent and pure
I never wanted to let it go
I wanted it to engulf me
Like a warm blanket on a cold winter night
Whenever I was with you
I felt loved, I felt happy

The way you looked at me
It always left me smiling
When you thought so hard
I wished to know what you were thinking
When you held my hand
I wished to know how you felt

All those times when you were not looking
I stood at a distance admiring you
There were so many words floating in my head
You didn’t even know about them

With your bittersweet farewell
You will be giving me memories
To keep me going without you
I never knew it was possible for me
To fall so hard, so fast
And then you came along
With all your stories
Of grief and joy
You changed the way I perceived

No I am not perfect,
Maybe I am not the one for you
But somewhere you brought me back from the dead
With you I never asked
And I still won’t
I don’t expect, I fathom
I don’t care about her,
I am just a tad envious

With the new directions you gave me
I am walking on that road
But now I seemed to have lost the map
All that scepticism clouding the path again

In my own hurt, I will expect you
To find me again
There is a premonition I have
About a future so unreal yet so sweet
Where you will be mine and I will be yours

NEW DIRECTIONS

‘sitting on the swing she looked at the yellow neon light brightening up the park, the green grass didn’t look green, the trees in the dark looked scary, she looked up to see the sky hoping to find something beautiful in it and the sky looked black and dead as it could with no stars to make it look pretty, with no moon to add glamour to it and the night for her was as lifeless as it could be’



I am sick of the mundane routine of my life, I wanted some action, something to make me feel that I was growing and I never really found anything. I was one of those kinds who would get restless and agitated because of some change or because things were too uncertain, uncertainty never made me curious, it just killed the little bit curiosity I might have had. And then I thought to myself why couldn’t I let loose? Why couldn’t I just approach life as it came? Why did I think so much? Why didn’t I just take a leap of faith and forget about it? Why had I changed into freakish paranoid maniac? I had no answers or maybe I did have one and didn’t want to admit it to myself. I wanted something new to happen, just something to happen.

Although life was giving me enough drama to keep me entertained but I was the one who refused to be entertained and then why did I seek change so much? Why was I unable to understand my own mood? Did I want to listen to ‘diary of jane’ or was I in the mood of ‘every breath you take’? I didn’t know. Why was I experiencing so much restlessness? I wanted peace.

So one Sunday morning I woke up and decided to change the direction of my bed, clean my room finally and I did that. I sat on my newly directed bed looking at my clean room and a smile formed on my face. This did feel like a god change, atleast it was a change. I lied down sighing thinking this felt good, atlast I think I had found some peace. So can a small little thing like a bed change have the ability to change the way you feel, I think so or maybe it’s just me. And then I realize how it’s not about the big changes, how it’s not about the big opportunities, it’s about the little things that make you happy.

YOU 'ROCK' MY WORLD

‘two girls sat on the stairs eating chips and coke, for them an ordinary sunny day thinking and telling each other random gossips about others and then the conversation takes another course, one of them asks questions, the one answers and tells her story, the one with questions suddenly was at a loss of words, forgetting how to react’

Three friends driving back home, talking and laughing, right that moment a song plays on the radio, reminds them of the one common thing between them, MUSIC. They switch the radio to cd and play their favourite one, it took them two hours to reach home, mad traffic, people honking, summer heat yet those three didn’t bother, shouting at the top of their voices they were already transported to another world, where there was no pain, no sadness, no problems, just sheer madness and the thrill of becoming a kid again.

It were the same songs again and again on repeat. There was power in music, it transformed them, it made them have fun, made them laugh, made them extremely crazy. They were transferred to a parallel universe, they were in their world, where realizations were millions, thoughts endless and yet their mind was blank. They were just living in the moment.

Rock or not, it was me and my friends trying to forget all that happened, trying not to think about the future, just living in the present, feeling good about things, feeling a different kind of high, one that didn’t come from any booze or drug, one that came from the company of good friends, one that came from acting like a kid again, one that came from being mad again.

‘if it wasn’t for you, how would I have realized what I was missing out on, how would I have known that future had more to offer’

PEACE, LOVE, JOY

‘if she ever found him sad or thinking too much, she would say something funny, make him laugh, tell him it’s going to be fine and the warmth and joy she felt in her heart whenever she was successful in making him smile, satisfied her’

I read it somewhere ‘the joy one gets in making others happy is invincible. It makes one whole, makes one content.’ When I read those lines I had never felt like it, although I had made people happy around me in some or the other way but I never found my happiness in it. I still did not know what it felt like making someone happy and feeling at peace.

And recently I have been having this very particular feeling. It’s different from happiness or blissfulness; it’s a three letter word ‘joy’. Joy brings with it truck loads of happiness and satisfaction, all at one time. Joy is not just about you, it’s about more than you and it’s about someone else. Joy is not about just making someone smile, it’s about feeling good when you look at that smile. Yes! There is an ulterior motive behind bringing that joy, a selfish one to be precise.

I had never thought I would ever experience such a feeling or a feeling like that existed. I always thought that when I look at my friends smiling knowing that I made them, made me feel like smiling but I had never felt the feeling of warmth and of being whole until now. Making someone happy brought a whole new perspective to me and I realized there is so much within us waiting to be explored, so much emotions waiting to come out, so many thoughts waiting to be analyzed and so many beliefs waiting to be formed.

So if ever you find a feeling so pure, purer than the feeling of love, consider yourself lucky because then along with love you would have found peace and satisfaction as love still does form a tiny part of that word ‘joy’.

‘She said that one line that always made him laugh, she made that adorable face that always made him smile, even though somewhere knowing the future she was hurting inside. And then she remembered the line- for you a thousand times over’

GIRL WITH A ROSE

‘Bleeding somewhere inside, the scars started showing on face, there has to be a way to conceal all that destroys her’

Early in the morning I sat in my bed deliberating whether to go to college or not. And then I had to. The beginning of the day being usual, the first class being missed, the rest didn’t matter at all. While coming out of the building going towards the gate, I saw a girl sitting holding a rose in her hand and thoughts started coming in my head.

If there was background music it would have been one of those perfect bollywood scenes. She sat there with the perfect amount of sun falling on her face, wind blowing her hair and the rose in her hand, waiting for someone to come. In that moment I wanted to know what went through her head, was she even thinking? Was she happy? Was she sad? Who gave her that rose? And instantly I felt like an intruder, invading her privacy, I didn’t mean to but her face was so mysterious, she had a frown on her face and she kept on staring in space. I wanted to look away, I did but I just couldn’t. I stopped pressurizing my head so much and gave up; for once I was not going to get answers because I was in no position to question. And I started walking away but the thought never left my head.

A not so extraordinary day in college had suddenly given me something to think about even though there was not much to think about but it was just a thought in my head, questions about people, questions about their lives, eagerness to know their story, anxiousness to experience what they experienced and then I felt like I had started searching my life in their life. Was it just mere curiosity to know? Or was it the fact that I have started searching for a lot of answers when there aren’t those many questions?

TONIGHT ITS JUST ALL ABOUT ME

‘She saw him entering the building with the same girl again; she had seen them quite often, often enough for her to become a reason for their fight. When he saw her, he looked away, not being able to meet her eyes and the other girl who looked at her said only one thing through her eyes that she won, that she was the one who got him. And she wondered when did they start competing for him?’


Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I won’t have any thoughts today, that I would just have a normal day like every other person but unfortunately I betray myself. Things happen and I ramble, ramble till I vent it all out, ramble till it all disappears from my head. Sometimes I feel there are so many things I want to say to myself, so many things that I want to tell others and most of the times I don’t have a voice to do so. Yes! There is a lot of pain but there is also a lot of happiness. They are both kind of parallel to each other.

The whole paradigm of living life to the fullest goes over my tiny head; because lately I feel whatever I do every day is not enough to make myself happy, if I am not happy then how do I look happy? I pretend. I am good at pretending, that is one thing I have learnt perfectly in my 19 years of existence. Pretending is something that is yours and one thing nobody takes away and if you are good at it, you might as well be successful to fool the world.

Pain, I think has become such a big part of my life that I don’t even react to it anymore. Hurt is what I feel all the time, like it’s a gift that I had asked in abundance. I never relied on people for happiness now I don’t rely on myself for that. It’s the pride in me that portrays me a different person in front of everyone. Partially I feel like I am being myself but somewhere I am pretending just for the sake of others happiness, I don’t want them to see me hurt, I don’t want them to hurt.

Someday I will wake up and tell myself to ramble throughout the day, think so much that finally my brain gives up, love so much that finally my heart forgets the pain, pretend so much that even I forget myself and then that would be the day when I wouldn’t have any thoughts to share.

BEACH AND ME

‘Against my will I keep on walking, I keep on suffering. Someday I will drown in my own sorrows and get rid of this aching’

Beaches, sea, sunsets, beer, friends and a smile that never left my face. A vacation that was worth everything, all the fighting, all the laughing, all the bonding, all the non bonding, it was reality in its best form.

But the best part about the trip was not all that, it was the beach. I sat on the warm sand staring at the sea, far, far away, waiting for the sunset. It was magic in front of my eyes, how could anything be so beautiful? I sat there and wondered. How can such a sight warm your heart so much? How could it make you feel so much love? The sound of the water rang in my ears but still I felt so much tranquillity around me. It’s like my entire life flashed right in front of me and I realized my mistakes and my strengths. I realized my life. And all that thinking and realization made me even more confused but that was not the point, the point was that I felt at home, I felt at peace. I had never felt so happy. There were no more sorrows, no more pain. It was just me with myself and that one realization of being a better person.

They say home is where the heart is and I had found mine. If I could then I could live there forever and I know I would have been happier. There would have been more smiles than tears, more realizations than just mere existence. I don’t exist just for the sake of existing but lately life has been so fast, I feel like I just exist aimlessly. The beach made time stop and for those few hours my life suddenly had an aim, aim to be at peace, to be quiet, to be happy.

BRIDE TO BE

‘Weddings are a happy place; they are the perfect, happy days. For that beautiful bride who started her new life’

She sat in her palanquin; her brothers keeping it on their shoulders got her to the Mandap. When the little curtains of the palanquin were removed and she stepped out in all her grace, people gasped as they saw her beauty, her bridal outfit glowing in the lights and glittering jewellery just added to her charm. She looked down, maintaining her elegance she started walking. For a moment she looked up and all she saw was the man standing, waiting for her, the man who promised to be with her forever. None of the people in the crowd could even imagine what she was going through, the rush she felt inside, the mixed emotions of happiness and sadness. They could discuss about how beautiful she looked and how gracefully she walked, she was the centre of attention, she knew but she didn’t care, all she thought about was starting a new life with a new family and yet being a part of her old one, transition from one phase to another while keeping the other one still alive.

She stood in front of him who looked perfect for their perfect night. He took her hands in his and saw the henna coloured hands and smiled to her, she was his bride and he was ecstatic. They both sat down for the ceremonies to begin, the priest started chanting but she sat there deaf and numb, she looked at her family and then looked at him for some assurance, there was fear in her heart, fear to be the perfect bride and fear to start a new life.

He saw her sitting beside him with her head low, he somehow knew what she was feeling; he held her hand in his and smiled at her. That smile was the only thing she needed at that time, slowly fears seem to be fading away and happiness started coming, for she remembered the time when a few days ago she was going through the bridal outfits, choosing just the right one, for she was the bride to be and now here she was almost married and almost on the verge of moving into a new life with everyone whispering that she was indeed the perfect bride.

MUSIC FOR EVERYONE

'two friends sat on the cold ground looking at the sky which had gone dark, right in front of them the stage was all set, the bright lights focussed on the musicians, waiting for the singer to arrive, the guitars were playing in the background, the crowd was cheering and they both just enjoyed the music, the sky and the weather in peace’

A concert is never the same yet never very different, it tests ones patience to the maximum, there would be a crowd of people waiting for it to start and yet it would never start on time. It’s tiring to stand there for hours and wait but once the music starts playing it seem all worth it.

It’s different to hear the songs you listen on the radio or TV live, it’s a different experience, the words just become more meaningful, the music becomes more beautiful. But what is even better is enjoying that experience with your friend, for they are always there and always will be.

People swaying, singing along, shouting along with the singer, hooting after every song, cheering before every new song, it’s like a new kind of high, different kind of high, hundreds of people in sync, not an everyday sight. That is why concerts are noisy yet so peaceful because even if you are not standing in the crowd but just sitting at a distance, enjoying the music with your friend, it’s still a wonderful experience. So, thanks to my friend for being there and making it so much more fun. :)

WARNING SIGN

‘Stars are shining, moon is bright and sky is lit up for once tonight, what is so special tonight? I think and I don’t know the answer’


Playing the song on repeat that reminds me of you the most, it’s hard to let go of your thoughts, it seems as if there is no escape now, all I crave for now is to hear your voice, to know that you are alright. There was no warning sign, when I was looking for one, there was no more truth, no more lies, everything just went silent. Saying that I miss you would be an understatement, it’s hard to figure out the reasons for the current situation and I really want to know. Were my inhibitions correct about you? Or just like everyone you deceived me too, concealed the true you. I refuse to believe, I saw something in you and I can’t be wrong. They say you can’t be exactly correct about someone and obviously not about someone you haven’t met in a long long time and I smile because even though I believe that theory too, I know you are an exception to it. I can be wrong the first time, the second time but not the third, never the third. In all these words all I am trying to say is that I miss you and that I have started doubting myself.


When I would be sitting outside feeling the cold breeze blowing my hair, listening to our song, I would remember your laugh and smile again. And this is how much I miss you.

HAPPY 2011

‘This life is mine, it’s yours, it’s ours, only we can make the most of it’

The year 2011 started with a bang and a series of bad news not only for me but for many around me. Obviously everyone thinks that things will get better next year and that is what everyone thought, everyone hoped for. ‘Hope’ a four letter word with so much power, power to make us believe, power to make things look brighter than what they are. In the beginning of this year I was in my cynical mood and I couldn’t figure out the difference between happy and sad. But now I can and even though things are just as bad as they could be for everyone, I still believe that this year is going to be a better year. I maybe 10 days late but still New Year just started for everyone and I hope and I wish that it becomes the best year for everyone so far. So a big HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I think all this positivity and festive mood is the result is an overdose of family movies and holiday songs. :D

‘Because we get one life and one 2011, so why be so sad'

SHE GOT NO ONE

'You kindle me with your charm,
later I realize it was all a charade,
I feel nothing anymore,
heal me with your smile,
thats all I ask,
for I am so broken inside'


She saw a light afar, someone, somewhere was calling her. She stood there frozen, she couldn’t walk anymore and maybe she was hallucinating. She had made it so far without her mother and she knew she could go further but she looked back to look for her mother and just saw the slick sheet of ice. Tears had dried up, there were so many who were killed and who would be killed, the shouts, screams still haunted her. She didn’t know what they did to her mother but she wanted to know and there was no one to provide her with answers, she had fled the camp, escaped it with those few people who managed to. She ran so fast and so far that she lost them and now she stood somewhere in the middle of nowhere, ice all surrounding her and her clothes not enough to protect her. The cold breeze embraced her and she was shivering. She thought after losing her mother to those merciless creatures, her escape would take her somewhere and then later she understood that there was nowhere left to go. She had lost her family in the war, even though she was ready to fight, her will was disappearing, they said ‘nobody ever breaks out of that god awful place but she managed and she ran with that hope of going somewhere and now she was nowhere.

The cold was killing her, her body turning blue and there was no one to cry for help, she couldn’t fight it anymore, the light she saw so bright ahead was diminishing, her eyes were closing, she knew if she fell unconscious now, she wouldn’t be able to survive and closing her eyes she collapsed on the cold ice. She lay there remembering her mother, her family, her god. She closed her eyes for good and slept off forever on the cold ice, for she dared to fantasize about freedom, for she dared to escape her death but she couldn’t escape war.

She froze to death with no one there to help her, for there was no hope at all. In every war some would survive and some would die. If only her fate had been that strong, if only she had been one of those lucky ones.

NEW YEARS FOR SOME

‘She walked through the hallway and opened the door of her empty apartment; she threw the keys in the key bowl and placed the groceries and the wine bottle on the table. She went into her room and placed her coat in the closet and looked outside her room’s window, it wasn’t snowing but it was freezing outside. She went into the kitchen and started cooking pasta, she lit up the entire apartment with candles because she loved candlelight, she went into her room and took a shower, she got dressed up in a red wine coloured dress and put on makeup, she had to look gorgeous.

She came out and checked her watch, it was 10 pm and the apartment was glowing, she smiled to herself and walked inside the kitchen with her stilettos clattering against the apartment’s wooden floor. She placed the pasta in a dish and poured the wine in a glass, taking both she placed herself on the couch and looked outside the wide window of the living room, the city was glowing, there was mood of celebration everywhere, after all it was the new years eve night, she loved the view of the city from her 15th floor. She started eating her pasta and drinking her wine and admiring the beauty of the city and its things alone. After finishing her dinner she made herself comfortable on the couch to read her favourite book.

The clock struck 12, it was a new date, she didn’t realize it until she saw the fireworks outside her window, she smiled throughout, it was a new year. She looked around her apartment which was still glowing with candlelight and then she walked up to the empty wine glass kept on the table, she put another clean wine glass beside it and sighed, she poured the wine in both of them and held them in her hands and whispered ‘happy new year’. She put them again back and sat on the couch again to read, while reading she dozed off. The bright sun woke her up in the morning, she woke up and found herself still in her party dress, ruffled on the couch and the two glasses still kept on the table, as full as they could be’

31st December 2010 I was sitting in my room studying for my exam, not one of my ideal things to do on New Year’s Eve night but I still went through it and I wondered, what would be so different about the next morning except for some change in numbers? And as expected there was nothing unexpected, I woke up early morning to finish my studying, was hell tensed for my exam, got ready and was in no time sitting in the exam hall staring at the question paper trying to understand it, hoping for time to fly. The clock struck 1 and I had finished my exam, I wasn’t very happy with the way I had done the exam and I knew 1st January 2011 is not going to be any different. It is the same day; it’s the same things all over again. Nothing new happened and nothing would happen in one minute. The clock will strike 12 as it always does every night, the date will change as it always does every night.

31st night my room was filled with the party music playing in the nearby club, there was a huge party going on and I didn’t feel like dancing. Maybe celebrations are not my thing, maybe I just prefer to be alone.

All there is to think is that we always believe that New Year will bring with it some new happiness but the truth is things don’t change, it’s just a date change and it’s as significant as it could get. It’s just another one of those nights and the next morning is the same.

BOY MEETS GIRL

Two strangers meet, they talk, they feel.


“you know I don’t like the fact that you like someone else” I said, he paused for a very long moment over the phone, for once I thought I had said something wrong and then he said “I know” and paused again. My heart skipped a beat; he knew I could sense he knew about my feelings. I didn’t speak. “don’t think about me in that way, you and me are just not a possibility, you deserve a better guy and I am sure you will find one, just don’t start building up stories when there is nothing going to happen” he said and waited for a response, “I will talk to you later” I said and disconnected the phone like a coward'

When one assumes something about other, when the other is just being a friend, it gets a little complicated. But sooner or later things get normal and it is as if nothing happened.

'There were times when you were looking at me and I didn’t notice and the times when I was looking at you and you didn’t notice’

They say what’s done is done, if you feel hurt or happy, it’s probably not the other ones business but what if that emotion is caused by the other person.

‘and he looked at me with a puzzled look, I knew what he asked and I replied “I am not sad” he still kept on staring at me concerned “at least not because of you” I replied, such was the connection, we talk through eyes’

When you find people with whom you instantly connect with, with whom you can have an entire conversation through eyes and you feel like never losing them because purposely or not they keep you in your comfort zone.

“Can you do me a favour?” I asked over the phone “I am sorry I am busy right now” later while going out of the campus when I passed him, he looked drunk, he didn’t even look at me once and suddenly I was invisible to him’

When two people are so well attached, misunderstandings are bound to happen, if the connection is new, it takes time to understand them even more.

‘I passed him in the corridor and he was staring into my eyes, I read something in them, that was probably the one time when I saw a remote possibility of the fact that he may end up feeling for me the way I feel for him’

Some people are hard to define, hard to hate, hard to love; some people just come into your life to make you feel love again.

‘I was standing leaning my head on my friend’s shoulder and I saw him coming towards our direction, on seeing me, he halted, saw the person standing with me and then looked at me and then walked away’

They care; they love but refuse to show. Some people just live in denial.

“hello” I said, “hi” he replied in a deep coarse voice, I assumed he must be sleeping, “were you sleeping” I asked, “yeah” he answers, I didn’t want to disturb him, “ok! Then you go back to sleep” I say “Nahi, its ok, let’s talk” he says and start talking and then I think in my head he has an exam tomorrow and giggle’

When you give time to a relationship there is a possibility of a friendship so sweet that no bitterness can affect it. People might start a relationship on the wrong foot but if innocence exists somewhere then a probable possibility of things to get alright also exists.

‘I came out of the exam centre and I saw him standing at the gate talking to people, he instantly noticed me but didn’t react, for 10-15 minutes he stood there staring at me thinking probably I will go upto him and start talking but I didn’t, later he came upto me and started talking’

If one could lie through eyes then there would be no plausibility of knowing the truth ever, eyes don’t lie. They might not intend to deliberately give signs but they do end up giving some.

“The guy likes you a lot, it’s hard to not notice the signs” my friend said “with him I have stopped believing in signs” I replied

Some relationships are just meant not to discuss about and not to think about, they are just supposed to be written about and remembered just to bring a smile on the face, because sometimes the beauty of some relationships is in the mystery of it.