Friday, February 25, 2011
‘two girls sat on the stairs eating chips and coke, for them an ordinary sunny day thinking and telling each other random gossips about others and then the conversation takes another course, one of them asks questions, the one answers and tells her story, the one with questions suddenly was at a loss of words, forgetting how to react’
Three friends driving back home, talking and laughing, right that moment a song plays on the radio, reminds them of the one common thing between them, MUSIC. They switch the radio to cd and play their favourite one, it took them two hours to reach home, mad traffic, people honking, summer heat yet those three didn’t bother, shouting at the top of their voices they were already transported to another world, where there was no pain, no sadness, no problems, just sheer madness and the thrill of becoming a kid again.
It were the same songs again and again on repeat. There was power in music, it transformed them, it made them have fun, made them laugh, made them extremely crazy. They were transferred to a parallel universe, they were in their world, where realizations were millions, thoughts endless and yet their mind was blank. They were just living in the moment.
Rock or not, it was me and my friends trying to forget all that happened, trying not to think about the future, just living in the present, feeling good about things, feeling a different kind of high, one that didn’t come from any booze or drug, one that came from the company of good friends, one that came from acting like a kid again, one that came from being mad again.
‘if it wasn’t for you, how would I have realized what I was missing out on, how would I have known that future had more to offer’
Monday, February 21, 2011
‘if she ever found him sad or thinking too much, she would say something funny, make him laugh, tell him it’s going to be fine and the warmth and joy she felt in her heart whenever she was successful in making him smile, satisfied her’
I read it somewhere ‘the joy one gets in making others happy is invincible. It makes one whole, makes one content.’ When I read those lines I had never felt like it, although I had made people happy around me in some or the other way but I never found my happiness in it. I still did not know what it felt like making someone happy and feeling at peace.
And recently I have been having this very particular feeling. It’s different from happiness or blissfulness; it’s a three letter word ‘joy’. Joy brings with it truck loads of happiness and satisfaction, all at one time. Joy is not just about you, it’s about more than you and it’s about someone else. Joy is not about just making someone smile, it’s about feeling good when you look at that smile. Yes! There is an ulterior motive behind bringing that joy, a selfish one to be precise.
I had never thought I would ever experience such a feeling or a feeling like that existed. I always thought that when I look at my friends smiling knowing that I made them, made me feel like smiling but I had never felt the feeling of warmth and of being whole until now. Making someone happy brought a whole new perspective to me and I realized there is so much within us waiting to be explored, so much emotions waiting to come out, so many thoughts waiting to be analyzed and so many beliefs waiting to be formed.
So if ever you find a feeling so pure, purer than the feeling of love, consider yourself lucky because then along with love you would have found peace and satisfaction as love still does form a tiny part of that word ‘joy’.
‘She said that one line that always made him laugh, she made that adorable face that always made him smile, even though somewhere knowing the future she was hurting inside. And then she remembered the line- for you a thousand times over’
‘Bleeding somewhere inside, the scars started showing on face, there has to be a way to conceal all that destroys her’
Early in the morning I sat in my bed deliberating whether to go to college or not. And then I had to. The beginning of the day being usual, the first class being missed, the rest didn’t matter at all. While coming out of the building going towards the gate, I saw a girl sitting holding a rose in her hand and thoughts started coming in my head.
If there was background music it would have been one of those perfect bollywood scenes. She sat there with the perfect amount of sun falling on her face, wind blowing her hair and the rose in her hand, waiting for someone to come. In that moment I wanted to know what went through her head, was she even thinking? Was she happy? Was she sad? Who gave her that rose? And instantly I felt like an intruder, invading her privacy, I didn’t mean to but her face was so mysterious, she had a frown on her face and she kept on staring in space. I wanted to look away, I did but I just couldn’t. I stopped pressurizing my head so much and gave up; for once I was not going to get answers because I was in no position to question. And I started walking away but the thought never left my head.
A not so extraordinary day in college had suddenly given me something to think about even though there was not much to think about but it was just a thought in my head, questions about people, questions about their lives, eagerness to know their story, anxiousness to experience what they experienced and then I felt like I had started searching my life in their life. Was it just mere curiosity to know? Or was it the fact that I have started searching for a lot of answers when there aren’t those many questions?
Friday, February 18, 2011
‘She saw him entering the building with the same girl again; she had seen them quite often, often enough for her to become a reason for their fight. When he saw her, he looked away, not being able to meet her eyes and the other girl who looked at her said only one thing through her eyes that she won, that she was the one who got him. And she wondered when did they start competing for him?’
Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I won’t have any thoughts today, that I would just have a normal day like every other person but unfortunately I betray myself. Things happen and I ramble, ramble till I vent it all out, ramble till it all disappears from my head. Sometimes I feel there are so many things I want to say to myself, so many things that I want to tell others and most of the times I don’t have a voice to do so. Yes! There is a lot of pain but there is also a lot of happiness. They are both kind of parallel to each other.
The whole paradigm of living life to the fullest goes over my tiny head; because lately I feel whatever I do every day is not enough to make myself happy, if I am not happy then how do I look happy? I pretend. I am good at pretending, that is one thing I have learnt perfectly in my 19 years of existence. Pretending is something that is yours and one thing nobody takes away and if you are good at it, you might as well be successful to fool the world.
Pain, I think has become such a big part of my life that I don’t even react to it anymore. Hurt is what I feel all the time, like it’s a gift that I had asked in abundance. I never relied on people for happiness now I don’t rely on myself for that. It’s the pride in me that portrays me a different person in front of everyone. Partially I feel like I am being myself but somewhere I am pretending just for the sake of others happiness, I don’t want them to see me hurt, I don’t want them to hurt.
Someday I will wake up and tell myself to ramble throughout the day, think so much that finally my brain gives up, love so much that finally my heart forgets the pain, pretend so much that even I forget myself and then that would be the day when I wouldn’t have any thoughts to share.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
‘Against my will I keep on walking, I keep on suffering. Someday I will drown in my own sorrows and get rid of this aching’
Beaches, sea, sunsets, beer, friends and a smile that never left my face. A vacation that was worth everything, all the fighting, all the laughing, all the bonding, all the non bonding, it was reality in its best form.
But the best part about the trip was not all that, it was the beach. I sat on the warm sand staring at the sea, far, far away, waiting for the sunset. It was magic in front of my eyes, how could anything be so beautiful? I sat there and wondered. How can such a sight warm your heart so much? How could it make you feel so much love? The sound of the water rang in my ears but still I felt so much tranquillity around me. It’s like my entire life flashed right in front of me and I realized my mistakes and my strengths. I realized my life. And all that thinking and realization made me even more confused but that was not the point, the point was that I felt at home, I felt at peace. I had never felt so happy. There were no more sorrows, no more pain. It was just me with myself and that one realization of being a better person.
They say home is where the heart is and I had found mine. If I could then I could live there forever and I know I would have been happier. There would have been more smiles than tears, more realizations than just mere existence. I don’t exist just for the sake of existing but lately life has been so fast, I feel like I just exist aimlessly. The beach made time stop and for those few hours my life suddenly had an aim, aim to be at peace, to be quiet, to be happy.