I want to tell my story...

I have started a new blog:
https://struggletofindlove.blogspot.com

Its not an extraordinary love story but its a true one...Its life lessons, its just like anyone else's story out there. Its an adventure...its a beginning and an end. Its confusing, frustrating but somewhere there is true love. 

Where am I?

Broken and confused again...why are humans such emotional creatures? I always wonder why? We invest so much...so much of our feelings, so much of our life into that one person that when he walks away...we don't know where we stand without him. Our personality so dependant on him, our existence so dependant on him. In that moment we think there is no where to go...but eventually there is. Getting over a major heartbreak is tough...I got over one a long time ago but it was mostly one sided, but this one...this one I don't know how to. He did not only take a part of me with him...he took my happily ever after with him. For all those years when i loved him, cared for him...I never realised that it would ever end but it did. 

A song for me, a song for him
A kiss for me, a kiss for him
His touch, his smile, his vice
A love for me, a love for him

Pain that never seems to heal
Love that never seems to end
Hurt that only grows
Smile that never comes

Ask me how I am?
I got nowhere to go
Something still broken inside
Something still trying to heal

This world was for you and me
Where it was just you and me
O' Where did you go?
Why did you leave?

What did I ever do to hurt you like that?
What did I ever say to make you go away like that?
Did you even love me?
Did you even care?

This mind has so many questions
and no one to answer them
All I know, this love will never end
All I know is I am still asking after all this
Where am I?

DANCING FEET

'they said to dream but they never said what happens when they were broken'

Those shackles thrown in the air

We are dancing to the tunes of disco

These feet won’t stop

They will dance for love, for hate

For peace, for war

Enchanting music in the air

Devoid feelings, hypnotized soul

Dancing to the other side

Singing for glory, dreaming of love

Hope came through by the window

No more booze required

A smile, that takes away the pain

Mystical songs that surround the air

So, don’t let these feet stop

Let them move, let them dance

Oscillating between yin and yang

No decision to be made tonight

Just music and dance to be happy...

The Political Social Drama

We are the 'Zoozoo's of nature'. For people who don't know what a Zoozoo is, it is a cute chubby character created by the vodafone advertisers, to attract customers, to fill in some humor and to grab attention. What they didn't expect, is that those characters are real people, we are dumb, deaf, blind people waking up from the same bed, going back to the same bed to sleep again, repeatedly, everyday.

We listen to the same songs, meet the same people, songs that make you dance, people that make you happy. Life of a law student revolves around being sensitized about social issues, recent trends in law and a brief overview of how the system actually works, mind it, theoretically. So we sit in the secure confines of an  air conditioned classroom, in a state of the art campus. Basically this is five year of law course summed up, what we actually learn:

1. How to fill up 48 pages of answer sheet in 3 hours
2. How to fetch attendance from any means
3. How to sleep in those afternoon lectures
4. How teachers too, know that the only way to get students attention is to mention the word 'attendance' in the sentence

They train us to be social reformers, with professors giving big speeches on criticizing the politics and social norms and what we end up becoming are people in perfect, wrinkle free suits, minting more and more money every hour, making the richer, richer and letting the poor stay where they are. 'Poor? Oh yeah. I had studied something about them', answers the lawyer, who once in his class was forced to think about them and ask questions that would baffle the well read professor, now, he can't recall a single question he asked in the class.

We don't focus on an agenda until and unless it reaches a critical point. We debate, we research, we write with an ultimate goal to land a five figure salary. The question they ask us is not 'What is?' but 'What could be?' and we sit there in our fancy clothes, texting on our phones, thinking about what to eat in cafeteria or trying to have a conversation about someone doing something with someone.

Law school can teach you everything or nothing. There are too many things to be taken care of, too much that is everywhere...progress is jeopardized, the basic aim of development from center to the states is somewhere diluting, development is solely centralized. 'Why politics?' 'Why not results?' we learn. Those who really want to bring a social change end up learning everything and forgetting later, those who are not bothered then, well, they are not bothered anytime.

We call ourselves proudly, a secular, socialist, democratic state, but how much do we act like a democracy is the question that stays? I say we wait another 40 years for another modern leader like Gandhi or Nehru to take the reigns and save a drowning nation, leaders that would make the nation survive but not sustain. Further 100 years and more would be born. For now, the nations too much divided, too cruel with too much politics to bring any person down, and 'We the people of India' would blame the system and go back to our normal lives.

The preamble of our 'longest constitution in the world' starts with 'WE THE PEOPLE OF INDIA' and we the people of India are ignorant, delusional and forgetful.

The question stays...the answer: A strong opposition party, a social reformer as a leader...well, what then?


'There's a lot of work to be done, we haven't even started'

LOVING FROM A DISTANCE

'You're being missed terribly'

It was a nice summer evening
When you said goodbye
The time when my heart
Was starting to want things
You were leaving
With all your love and happiness

The pain of watching you go
Only the heart could explain
It takes one to love
But takes two to hold on
The little joys of life
You took away when you left

Ask my mind if it misses u?
It would deny, it would lie
Ask my heart if it misses u?
It would choose not to answer
It would be in fear
It would not want its feelings in vain

This booze, the little menace that it is
It doesn't fill the void anymore
These tears, they betray
They come unannounced
This smile of mine, a tantrum thrower
Refuses to come anymore

Its not the loneliness of today
But the longing of yesterday
To hold your hand
To hug you
To kiss you
To tell you that I love you

Forgetting is easy
Remembering is hard
Its easy to forget the last of everything
But hard to reminisce and hold on
And then I wonder
Why you keep crossing my mind?

A lifetime is not enough waiting
If you ask for more, I shall
Its not the waiting that causes pain
But the notion of being with you there
Because the wait is easy
But loving you is not

THE LOST SMILE

'Let the music play till it drowns all the fearful voices in my head. Let me erase that which causes so much pain'


All these vibrant colours 

Of the sky

Asking her to smile

Asking her to walk that last mile

Epitome of happiness, she achieved

Now she falls to the ground

Like a broken star

Peace was taken away

Even the shadow leaving her side

Must she falter while walking?

Must she stumble upon her words?

She do not know

She tried being her own saviour

She tried fighting her own battles

But now she was breaking

Now she was quitting

These conflicting sides

Of her own heart

These deliberations

Of her own head

She couldn’t fathom

Dream a little, she always said

But now she was battling

Those inner conflicts

Struggling to keep those

Flights of fantasies alive

Let her smile, she begged

Make her feel better, she said

For if she fell now

She won’t be able to

Stand again.

TO FRIENDSHIP AND MORE

'Love is nothing but friendship set on fire'


 The phone kept vibrating but he didn't bother to pick it up, he let it vibrate, he was too sleepy. Finally after ten minutes when he couldn't take it anymore he opened his one eye and checked the time, it was 3 am and then he saw the name. It was her, a smile came on his face automatically.

 'hello' he said in a coarse voice
'he is coming, he is coming tomorrow, he is coming' she was shouting on the phone

He woke up with a jerk and then realized what she was saying

 'who is coming?' he asked
 'you know, my boyfriend' she said
'oh really? that is an awesome news. What time is he coming?' he asked happily
 'He is landing around 8 in the evening, you are driving me to the airport' she ordered
 'yes of course I am taking you, I am so happy for you. Finally after two years he is coming' he said
 'yes I know. ok! sorry I woke you up but I was so excited. We'll meet in the evening, we will eat something and then go to the airport' she said
 'yes ok done' he said and then they both hung up

 He couldn't sleep that night. He had just met her an year ago and she had become his bestest friend, the things he couldn't share with anyone, he told it to her. She was the sweetest person and he cared too much for her. He had heard plenty of stories from her about the boyfriend but he had not come to India in 2 years as he was out for some work. And now after 2 years finally he was arriving back and he knew how happy she would be. He cared for her so much that he always told her that the day he came back, he would be so happy for her because he knew how much she loved him. They both had been inseparable in that one year and they had discovered a new meaning of friendship. He had been there for her whenever she needed him and she had been there for him without asking.

 The next evening he picked her up from the metro station, it was a typical winter evening with the sun almost about to set and the street lights lighting up the flyovers and the roads of the city. Today she felt happy, she felt there was magic in the air. They both got down near a restaurant and were walking when he saw the her face all lit up and that smile, that did't leave her face. She looked at him, he looked different today, there was confusion in his eyes yet his smile didn't leave his face, his hand felt awfully warm and secure today and there was a different feeling in her heart. She was happy that she was finally going to meet him but also somewhere her eyes didn't leave her best friend's face.

 They both ordered some food and then sat down
 'you look so tired' he said and started laughing
 'yes I couldn't sleep the entire night, I was so excited. But I look fine right?' she asked panicking
 'you look pretty, don't worry' he said and smiled reassuringly

 She looked at his smile, there was something missing in that today, the smile also looked confusing today. After they ate, they got into the car and were on their way to the airport. There was too much silence in the car, she kept looking outside the window, her heart beating faster every second and she frantically kept checking the watch. He kept looking at her being so fidgety and smiled, she was nervous he could sense and then he felt a feeling that he had never felt with her, he felt a feeling of jealousy, he couldn't understand whether it was envy he felt or something else. He was fighting in his head, how could he be envy? he was not in love with her and he always told her that, he was her friend but then why was this?! this! taking her to him...making him feel weird.

 They reached the airport and there was lot of traffic at the entrance, she looked at him with a doubtful smile and asked
 'Do I look ok?' 'yes, you look very pretty, don't worry' he said and smiled
 She sat there with her face showing all signs of nervousness, her hands clasped kept on her thighs and she was breathing heavily. He kept staring at her like if he even blinked she would vanish. Why was he thinking like that?!

 'you know I am so nervous, but I know all this will go once I see him' she said
 He nodded and then gave her a hug

 She felt nice after the hug, his hug was always so warm, that it made her feel confident, it made her feel that nothing could go wrong in the world.
 'thank you' she murmured without looking at him
 They parked their car and were standing at the arrival entrance. She was holding his hand throughout, she didn't feel like letting go, she was that nervous.

 'Don't worry, you are looking very pretty' he said and smiled

 She looked at him smiling, she smiled back too and she kept staring in his eyes, there was something she read in them, she couldn't understand what it was but there was something in his eyes. In that moment, she tore away her glance from him and looked at the entrance and there he was, her boyfriend walking outside and he had spotted her and he had the biggest smile on his face on seeing her. Her best friend let go of her hand and then she ran towards her boyfriend, she gave him a tight hug and just stood there with him looking at him smiling.

 He saw her running towards her boyfriend, in that moment he felt something breaking inside him, if he could he wouldn't have let go of her hand, he would have just stood there staring in her eyes holding her hand. As soon as he looked at her turning in his direction, he turned to face the other side and a tear drop escaped his eye, he was so happy for her but also somewhere he was sad. He was going through an emotion he had never felt. She brought so much happiness to him and now she was smiling looking at someone else. She turned to spot him, but he had vanished somewhere in the crowd. She saw her hand in her boyfriend's hand and felt strange, that touch was unfamiliar, it was not warm, it was not secure. Her eyes looked everywhere for him but he was gone, she turned too late.