‘She saw him entering the building with the same girl again; she had seen them quite often, often enough for her to become a reason for their fight. When he saw her, he looked away, not being able to meet her eyes and the other girl who looked at her said only one thing through her eyes that she won, that she was the one who got him. And she wondered when did they start competing for him?’
Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I won’t have any thoughts today, that I would just have a normal day like every other person but unfortunately I betray myself. Things happen and I ramble, ramble till I vent it all out, ramble till it all disappears from my head. Sometimes I feel there are so many things I want to say to myself, so many things that I want to tell others and most of the times I don’t have a voice to do so. Yes! There is a lot of pain but there is also a lot of happiness. They are both kind of parallel to each other.
The whole paradigm of living life to the fullest goes over my tiny head; because lately I feel whatever I do every day is not enough to make myself happy, if I am not happy then how do I look happy? I pretend. I am good at pretending, that is one thing I have learnt perfectly in my 19 years of existence. Pretending is something that is yours and one thing nobody takes away and if you are good at it, you might as well be successful to fool the world.
Pain, I think has become such a big part of my life that I don’t even react to it anymore. Hurt is what I feel all the time, like it’s a gift that I had asked in abundance. I never relied on people for happiness now I don’t rely on myself for that. It’s the pride in me that portrays me a different person in front of everyone. Partially I feel like I am being myself but somewhere I am pretending just for the sake of others happiness, I don’t want them to see me hurt, I don’t want them to hurt.
Someday I will wake up and tell myself to ramble throughout the day, think so much that finally my brain gives up, love so much that finally my heart forgets the pain, pretend so much that even I forget myself and then that would be the day when I wouldn’t have any thoughts to share.
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